Prose
Application Essay
3A: In order for the admissions staff of our college to get to know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question: are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realised, that have helped to define you as a person?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention.
I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and god-like trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook thirty-minute brownies in twenty minutes.
I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants.
I play jazz cello, I was tried for the Springbok and I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang-gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have won several weekends in exotic places. Last summer I toured Cape Town with a centrifugal force demonstration. I run the 100m in 7 seconds. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects and with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening.
I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the C.I.A. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. I am often gruntled, kempt and shevelled. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.
I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a toaster and a lemon. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka and numerous Nobel Prizes. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery and I have spoken with Elvis.
